TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it might feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, The person who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're talking Damascus, the town Traditionally known for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be huge. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom connect with, streamed through the Placing green inside Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the ideal. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and totally away from put. Developed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A 3-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable water. But Of course, positive, let us have Yet another place wherever American Guys can use robes and call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Although preceding negotiations unsuccessful beneath the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: give Every person a collection over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is often tender electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats plus more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every device. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It really is that he really should halt using it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the job, replied, "You know, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Great people. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to your tower as Trump Tower Damascus "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping types an enormous Trump head noticeable from Place, a feature getting marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents and the chin is… effectively, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the setting up's gold plating mirrored a lot sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not simply hideous. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," mentioned Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Complicated Functions


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may perhaps contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are unsure what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Technique: "When you Bomb It, They Will Come"


The advertisement campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Eternally."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll performed inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator on the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The task is presently attracting focus from international traders, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who explained he'll invest in 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree may also consist of:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Dependant on the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not wait around to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge the place my PTSD might have flip-down company."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to construct a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Ideas in the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed over the speakers:


"Damascus necessary hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."

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